Hi Reader
When we think about the fear of abandonment, we often imagine scenarios where someone physically leaves us—maybe a breakup or a loved one walking out the door. But the truth is, this fear can manifest in much more subtle and unexpected ways, especially for those of us with an anxious attachment style.
Today, I want to explore 5 unexpected scenarios where your abandonment wound might be triggered, even if you don’t immediately recognise it.
1. During Times of Grief or Loss
When we’re going through the pain of losing a loved one, whether through death or another form of loss, our abandonment wound can be deeply triggered. The grief can make us feel incredibly vulnerable, and we might subconsciously look to our partners to fill the void. If they don’t provide the comfort or reassurance we’re desperately seeking, we might feel abandoned all over again, even if they’re doing their best to support us.
2. When You’re Sick and in Need of Care
Illness can bring up intense feelings of helplessness, especially if you’re accustomed to being self-reliant. In these moments, the fear of being left to fend for yourself can surface, leading to feelings of abandonment. If your partner isn’t as attentive as you hoped, or if they’re unable to provide the care you need, it can feel like they’re abandoning you, triggering a cascade of anxiety and resentment.
3. When Something Unexpected Happens
Life is full of surprises—some pleasant, others not so much. When something unexpected happens, like missing a flight or busting a car tire, it can leave you feeling out of control. This loss of control can tap into your abandonment wound, making you feel as though you’re on your own to handle the situation. You might lash out at your partner, not because of the event itself, but because it brings up those deep-seated fears of being unsupported.
4. When You’re Facing a Major Life Change
Transitions, even positive ones, can be incredibly destabilising. Whether it’s moving to a new city, starting a new job, or becoming a parent, these changes can make you feel vulnerable. If your partner doesn’t seem to understand your fears or isn’t providing the support you crave, it can trigger feelings of abandonment, even if they’re physically present.
5. When You Feel Emotionally Overwhelmed
Sometimes, our abandonment wound isn’t about a specific event but about feeling emotionally overwhelmed. In these moments, we might expect our partner to be our anchor, to ground us and make everything okay. If they can’t meet these expectations, it can feel like they’re abandoning us emotionally, leading to feelings of despair and anxiety.
As you can see in these examples, the fear of abandonment runs a lot deeper than just having someone leave us physically. Indeed, we can see that the common thread here is a sense of helplessness and an often visceral fear of being left alone to face life’s challenges without the emotional support we need.
Now to be clear, this isn't about making yourself wrong to want support during difficult moments or suggesting you need to become totally self-sufficient in order to be secure. Rather, it's about continually peeling back layers in our self-understanding, so that we can develop more capacity to respond maturely to whatever arises within us rather than react out of fear or old wounds.
As always, I'd love to hear from you if this resonates - feel free to hit reply and let me know if it landed for you.
With love,
Steph
P.S. In just over a week, I’ll be reopening enrolment for my signature program, Healing Anxious Attachment. Click the button below to add yourself to the list and be the first to know when doors open (& save US$100 if you choose to sign up!) 👇🏼
