Hi Reader

When it comes to attachment styles, we often focus on how different they can be. But today, I want to dive into two attachment styles that share some surprising similarities: fearful avoidant and anxious attachment.

These two styles can at times look similar—both are rooted in a deep fear of abandonment, both involve emotional intensity, and both can make relationships feel like a rollercoaster. But when we look a little more closely, we can see key differences in how they connect, communicate, and manage relational stress.

What they share:

• Fear of Abandonment: Both fearful avoidant and anxious individuals are driven by a core fear of being left behind, rejected, or unloved. This fear often leads them to be hyper-aware of any potential signs of distance or disconnection from their partner.
• Emotional Highs & Lows: Relationships with both attachment styles can feel emotionally intense. There’s often a lot of emotional volatility, with exhilarating highs when things are going well, and painful lows when insecurities arise.
• Preoccupation with Relationships: Both styles are highly focused on the relationship’s dynamics. This preoccupation can manifest as overthinking, worrying about their partner’s feelings or actions, and seeking constant validation to feel secure.
• Difficulty Trusting: Trust issues are a common thread between both attachment styles. They may struggle to believe their partner’s intentions, worrying that they’ll be hurt or abandoned, even when there's no clear reason for these fears.
• Attachment as Self-Worth: For both fearful avoidant and anxious individuals, their sense of self-worth is often tightly tied to the state of their relationship. If things feel unstable, they may feel inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable.

How they differ:

• Intimacy Push & Pull: While those with anxious attachment crave closeness and reassurance, fearful avoidants have a more complicated relationship with intimacy. They often feel torn between a strong desire for connection and a deep fear of being hurt, which can lead to a push-pull dynamic. They might draw close to someone, only to retreat when things feel too vulnerable.
• Handling Conflict: In moments of conflict, anxious individuals tend to pursue their partner, eager to resolve the issue and restore closeness. They’re driven by a need to alleviate the anxiety triggered by potential rejection. Fearful avoidants, however, are more likely to withdraw or shut down emotionally. Their fear of both confrontation and closeness can lead to avoidance, leaving issues unresolved.
• Consistency in Behaviour: Anxiously attached individuals tend to show consistent patterns of seeking reassurance and maintaining closeness. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand, often struggle with inconsistency. They may alternate between being overly attached and suddenly distant, making their behaviour difficult for partners to predict.
• Self-Sabotage: While anxious individuals may have self-doubt, they’re often more focused on keeping the relationship intact, even at the cost of their own needs. Fearful avoidants, however, may frequently engage in self-sabotage—pulling away or creating distance when things start to feel too intimate, reinforcing their fears of abandonment.
• Communication Style: Anxious individuals are more likely to express their needs directly, sometimes coming across as overly needy or demanding. Fearful avoidants tend to keep their feelings bottled up, struggling with open communication and sometimes resorting to indirect or passive-aggressive behaviours when feeling vulnerable.

Understanding these key similarities and differences is essential for anyone navigating relationships with these attachment styles—whether it’s your own or your partner’s. Knowing how these patterns show up can help you break the cycle of anxiety and avoidance, making space for more secure and balanced connections.

If you want to dive deeper on this topic, check out the latest episode of On Attachment where I go deep into the fearful avoidant and anxious attachment dynamic and how to manage these challenges in relationships. Click here to listen!

Sending love,

Steph

P.S. Early bird pricing for my Healing Anxious Attachment course closes tomorrow ⏰ If you’ve been thinking about joining, now is the perfect time. We’ve just added an extended payment plan so you can get started for as little as US$60 💸 Don’t miss out on this opportunity to start healing your anxious attachment and feel more secure in your relationships. Click here to enrol before the price goes up!