Hi Reader
This week I want to share some thoughts on resentment, and what it can teach us about our relationship dynamics.
There's a distinct imprint and feeling tone to resentment: bitterness, seething, internalisation, victimhood, blame and projection. Often when we're feeling resentful, we're feeling hard done by, unfairly treated, and taken advantage of. Like we've done our part, but the other person isn't playing along the way we would like or expect them to.
We feel increasingly frustrated, exasperated and irritated, until we ultimately collapse into a state of powerlessness where we become convinced that their actions (or inaction) are directly depriving us of our needs, our happiness, and even our sanity.
Suffice it to say, resentment is not a nice dynamic to feel stuck in. And yet, "stuck" is often exactly how we feel when we're in it.
Like most of the things we experience relationally, I believe resentment is a messenger - and a potent one at that. And as much as we'd love to point the finger and convince ourselves (and everyone else) that it's their fault and if only they'd done XYZ thing then we wouldn't have to feel this way, there's typically more to the dynamic than meets the eye.
The truth is, relational dynamics are just that: relational. Meaning, we each play a part in creating, reinforcing and perpetuating the status quo that dominates our relationships.
For many of us who struggle with resentment, our role in that status quo usually looks like:
- overfunctioning and overgiving to the point of burnout and depletion
- avoiding conflict and direct communication of needs or concerns
- chronically accommodating others' needs and preferences while neglecting our own
- failing to articulate (or follow through on) our boundaries for fear of disconnection, rejection or loss of the relationship (and then blaming them for not respecting our boundaries)
...just to name a few. (Sound familiar?)
The point of this is not to justify someone's harmful behaviour or to shift blame from them to you. Rather, it's to step outside a blame-based framework altogether and shift into self-responsibility mode.
For as hard as it can be to own our part in a dynamic that is causing us stress, hurt and overwhelm, it's ultimately far more empowering to focus on that which is within our control (our behaviour) rather than becoming exasperated by what is beyond our control (their behaviour).
I hope this has given you some food for thought. Definitely check out this week's podcast episode How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships for more on this discussion.
Sending love
Steph
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